Being a Stay and Home Parent: my experience

jeffreypf · Newbie Mom Joined: 13 Jun 2007 Posts: 4

It’s Father’s Day and I thought I’d share my experience when I was a Stay-At-Home-Dad.

Several years ago, before my first child was born, I applied to take an extended leave from my job to be a SAHD. To my knowledge, only one other man in my part of the company had ever done this. And, for him, it was to be at home concurrently with his wife. For me, it was to take over once my wife went back to her job.

My request was approved. Not that it should have been a surprise, but several of my co-workers seemed almost shocked. “Are you shocked when they approve maternity leave?” I’d ask. “No, because maternity leave is a company benefit. There’s no such thing as PATERNITY leave,” they’d say. “That’s a made up thing. There’s nothing WRONG with you that you need time off…”

In the weeks before my first was born, I worked hard to prepare. I trained my replacement, documented all of my business processes, and generally got everything in order. I also had several people stop by. “What a good experiment,” they’d say. The title “Mr. Mom” had all but replaced the one that was emblazoned my business card. Even my best friend, a to-be father in his own right, took me to lunch and warned me that this was going to ruin my career. I blew it off. Worried about me, he called my wife and asked her to talk me out of it. “He’s worked too hard,” he warned, “and there’s no way that his career will ever get back on track after he’s decided to ditch his job for this.”

My own mother said it was “cute” that I was doing this. “Your father has never changed a diaper,” she told me. He was a wonderful dad, but apparently my volunteering to change upwards of 10 diapers of day was just the funniest thing she’d ever heard. To this day, with two kids, she still shakes her head and says that I’m unusual. She’s my mom, so she dances around the issue: the only men she’s ever heard of that would do such a thing are gay. And, well, gay men don’t have children, she laughs.

My time with my new son was wonderful. I enjoyed it greatly and was very into doing the household shopping, making dinner every night, keeping the house clean, and (of course) caring for my new son. My wife went to work before he got up in the morning, so I was the one there when he awoke. I fed him, changed him, cuddled him, played with him, and was his lifeline until 6:00.

Now, I’m not much of a joiner… but I saw the need to get out of the house and try out some of the activities that were clearly marked for Moms. With an infant, I wasn’t really looking for activities for him… but more to be part of a community.

What I found ranged from “you’re so cute” to “it’s nice to see a man not afraid to show his feminine side” to “there’s breastfeeding here… we’d prefer that you leave.” That last one was a bookstore. I’m sorry, but the thing in the “bucket” carrier is an infant. It’s not a camera for Girls Gone Wild.

Back at work, changes were afoot with my old division. I was summoned to an “all hands” meeting. My wife took leave, for the afternoon, from her job. I put on business attire and headed to the meeting. It was made clear that if I was to ever have a job again at this company, I needed to return. We arranged for a nanny and my SADH time was over.

Upon returning, my manager pulled me aside. “There nature of our division is changing… and there’s not much room for you and the other manager. I gotta be honest, you taking this time off… showed a lack of commitment to the company. There’s no way I can defend you as being the right person to stay.” I was then transferred to another job in the company, knocked down 10 years in seniority.

I eventually left, seeing how I’d be marked as being a bad employee for taking a little time off to be with my child.

Based on family reasons, I took another job instead of going back to being a SAHD. My new boss never seemed to understand why I was taking time off to take my son to a doctor’s appointment. “Doesn’t you wife do that?” he asked. He wasn’t sure why, when my second child was born, I was taking off three weeks. “You wife is the one having the baby, not you. Surely, once the baby comes, you’ll be able to come back to work.” Able, perhaps. But that’s not the choice I’m making. “It’s not your child,” he once said. Interesting…

And, yet, as my children welcomed me this morning with “Happy Father’s Day” (OK, the toddler didn’t speak), I know it was well worth it. I'm a parent. And even if that matters to no one else, I know it matters to my kids.

**Nichole** · Site Admin Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 13 Location: Ohio

He also received criticism for taking 2 months off work when I had our first child. I was 20, terrified of being alone with this small child and lived an hour from my family... he stepped up and helped me. When Danny was born and he needed his clubfoot treated, Dan came to every appointment, every surgery and was involved in every way. He was skipped over raises both those years even though he logged in over 400 hours of overtime both years.

People wonder what is wrong with kids today yet don't encourage dads to be as involved as possible. I don't get it.