Wild 4 Year Old

jeffreypf · Newbie Mom Joined: 13 Jun 2007 Posts: 4

My four (and a half) year old is smart (a little too much), articulate (way too much), and generally friendly. Now, this isn't just a "proud papa" saying this. He was talking in full sentences before 18 months. He's able to construct complex stories (including lies) and is a master of manipulation (he's able to think "12 moves ahead" and has outsmarted a number of adults, including me).

His problem is that he's terribly physical. He'll be walking down the hall, see me, lower his head, and ram me. He'll see his 1 year old brother and pull him down. He walks around the house and stores punching the air and anything that happens to get in his way.

He's very emotional and will throw tantrums 1-2 times a day. Often for no discernible reason (although he will throw them when he doesn't get his way). His mother and I do not give in, so it's not like the tantrums get him what he wants. Quite the opposite, since he'll lose something (his one TV show per day, a Popsicle, being able to go somewhere fun). This infuriates him more and he becomes more violent.

He does not watch violent TV and his playmates are not exhibiting this same behavior. Where he plays "superhero" with another child, it has nothing to do with the violent aspects. It tends to look a lot more like "house" but with capes.

When he's asked why he hit his mother, threw his baby brother, or threw himself on the ground in the supermarket... he says "I don't know." Any pushing (e.g., "you must have a reason" or "do you understand that it hurts me when you hit me?" or "I wouldn't hit you, so why would you hit me?"), he wells up and cries. Maybe manipulation, maybe not.

I've convinced myself that he has something "wrong" with him (I say in a non-judgmental way) or that it's a reaction to sugar. My wife is just plain tired of it and sometimes dreads having to spend time with him.

When he's not having these outburts, he's the sweetest kid I've ever met. His preschool teacher has reported that she "loves" him because he's so nice (although she'll admit that he's a very "commanding" child). He doesn't often do the same negative things with his grandparents, with baby sitters, or with playmate's parents. (I asked him why and he said that when he's a guest, he needs to behave... no explanation on why he doesn't need to behave at home).

Even when he's behaving, he has a lot of energy. For example, when he's talking about his day, he walks in circles. He does not seem to be able to stay still. That said, when he does watch TV or is being read a story, he can be very calm and still and can pay attention.

Any advice?

**Nichole** · Site Admin Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 13 Location: Ohio

Hmmm...

You said the other child is 1. I actually think it's possible he may be acting out for attention. In this case I really feel that his energy level and his behavior are unrelated to one another. Isolate the two and his energy is fairly normal for a four year old though it may be on the high end of normal. The behavior... he has control over it except for when he is with his you. I know it may be hard but I suggest you and your wife make a little extra time to spend with him one on one through out the day.

We had attention issues with my stepson. No matter how much time my husband and his mother worked into their schedule to spend time with him, after a while it wasn't enough. He wanted more. He would act out for it, wet himself, beat up his siblings... etc. Eventually the other children started to notice and we had to take back some of that time. He would progress and regress constantly. At 10 he still does but he has learned that making mom and dad feel guilty gets better results.

I would speak to your ped about it. As he gets older he'll be able to process what is bothering him more. I wish I could say it gets easier but it really is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes it is enough, other times it isn't. We have found that esteem building activities such as football and karate have really helped him. You should check out your local YMCA. I know they have soccer for 4 year olds in our area. Perhaps you do as well.

Good luck.

Venice - Mommage Mom · Newbie Mom Joined: 13 Jun 2007 Posts: 10

Jeffrey, you just described my son, with two differences. He was never violent or physical, and he was incapable of controlling or changing his behavior in different settings.

The only thing I know for certain is that my son was born with whatever is wrong with him. I knew there was a problem from the day I brought him home from the hospital. As one quick example, it took two people to change his diaper. I could go on forever about everything we've been through, but I honestly don't think you would believe half of it.

He got kicked out off preschool, kindergarten and first grade. He was lucky enough to get into a private school specializing in children with emotional disabilities. He was there for nine years, and with the help of teachers, social workers, a psychiatrist, medications and lots of hard work, he has grown into a delightful young man. That's not to say everything's always fine and dandy, because it's not, but at least we are now more educated and equipped to handle whatever comes our way.

Nichole's theory could be absolutely right, and her advice might very well work for you, but if things don't change and improve, I agree that you should speak to your pediatrician. If you don't get the answers you need, find another one. Don't let anyone tell you that nothing's wrong or that he's a typical boy. You and your wife know your son the best. If you think there's a problem, there probably is one.

I completely understand the way your wife feels. I love my son dearly, but there were days I didn't think I could stand being with him for one more minute, and that's the part that broke my heart. I had to keep telling myself that he had no control over what he was doing, and it was up to me to get him the help he needed.

I give you a lot of credit for recognizing that something might be wrong and asking for advice. My husband was in denial for years, and I not only had to cope with my son, but I had to deal with him too. The most important advice I can give is for you and your wife to be a team. Remember that you're both on the same side and have the same goal. Don't let your son come between you. Make sure he knows that his mom and dad are working together.

jeffreypf · Newbie Mom Joined: 13 Jun 2007 Posts: 4

**Nichole** · Site Admin Joined: 05 Jun 2007 Posts: 13 Location: Ohio

The birth of the new child probably amplified his feelings. I really think that he just needs a little extra TLC.

I could be wrong... I fully admit that! lol

Good luck. Dealing with behavior issues can be difficult. My youngest has behavior issues related to his developmental delays. Some days I just want to ship him off to grandma's house. Gets to a point where you feel like you do nothing but yell and discipline all day... not enough cuddling and giggling.

Ahsha · Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 12:02 pm Post subject:

A family member has a child with mild Asberger syndrome. He has many of the same symtoms you describe, including the high intelligence level. The inability to be still and the hitting, pushing, etc. sound so familiar! He is loving and kind but very physical. This is often overloooked by physicians or perceived as ADHD or something similar. The child I know moves his hands a lot, almost wringing them sometimes when he is made to be still.
I certainly am NOT a physician, but wanted to share this information with you.